The Question
“If you take an alcoholic family, and an ultra-conservative family, and you remove the concept of religion and alcohol, and you compare apples to apples in the rules and roles of the home, are they mirror images of each other?”
It was a question that arose from having lived in both. I knew firsthand what the “fruit of the tree” tasted like—my childhood was filled with it. Addictions, yelling, abuse, shame, silence, denial, neglect. So, when I came into the church, I was filled with hope! Finally, I had found family. Where acceptance flourished. Where forgiving love was the norm. And people cared about one another … kind of.
Certainly, there were individuals who were warm and loving. But, unfortunately, the same relational issues I grew up with were also present: addictions, yelling, abuse, shame, silence, denial, and neglect. Now I am not referring to outliers. To deviations of a small group here and there. I’m describing the bell-curve. Sadly, warm and loving seems to be in the fringes among communities that are hardcore fundamentalists.
This is not to say that holding strict biblical beliefs is the source of dysfunction. But what I am saying, is that “… sin crouches at your door; its desire is for you, to over-power you …” (Genesis 4:7 [AMP]). Sin is universal. Everyone is subject to its power. Religious or not, if your relationships are based upon its principles, the outcomes will be the same.
The Source
To the point, when sin first entered our world, what was the immediate effect of it? It wasn’t drinking, or fornicating. It wasn’t the mark of the beast. What sin damaged was our relationships. Love became based in fear and shame, rather than acceptance and joy.
Just like the emotionally-stunted children we are, humanity immediately began pointing at others rather than being accountable for their own decisions. As it says in Genesis 3:12 (AMP) “And the man said, ‘The woman whom You gave to be with me—she gave me [fruit] from the tree, and I ate it.’ ” And so, death entered … and to this very day, slowly asphyxiates our relationships until they die from conflict and dysfunction.
You can see it in the sibling rivalry and approval seeking of Cain. It was in the triangulated mess between Abraham, Sarah, and Hagar. You see manipulation in all of Jacob’s descendants. And enabling was the cause of out-of-control children with Aaron, Eli, and David. Even the disciples were constantly in conflict, obsessed with control.
Since the fall, human beings basically became one gigantic dysfunctional family, which by definition is: “a family in which conflict, poor-boundaries, denial, extremes, neglect, and abuse take place.” And so, while we would love to believe that Christians are above sin and dysfunction, unfortunately, according to the Bible itself, God’s people are often leading the charge.
The Lies
You see, the church is really good at teaching people about what happens when you die, salvation in Jesus, repentance from sin, and the like. All of which are super important truths. But we rarely, if ever, address the family rules and roles they believe, such as: How do you handle conflict? How do you process difficult emotions? How do you deal with stress and failure? How do you set boundaries and avoid extremes?
As a consequence, when people are baptized, they may have repented of their outward-behaviors, but their inner-beliefs about relationships are still fully intact. And when we peek behind the wizard’s gigantic green curtain, be the extremes of liberal or conservative, the principles they do relationships by are essentially the same. They are both following a sort of “10-Commandments” for Dysfunctional Families:
- Control: It’s not okay to make mistakes; be perfect.
- Approval: Be who I say you are; I have no interest in who you actually are.
- Authoritarian: Do as I say, not as I do, and don’t question me or you’ll risk rejection.
- Secrets: Make us look good, regardless of what’s really happening.
- Triangulation: Keep it in the closet, never share family secrets or you’ll be ostracized.
- Neglect: It’s not okay to have emotions; don’t share or talk about them.
- Abuse: Having needs and boundaries is selfish; it’s not about you, but about me.
- Denial: Little to no communication, thinking it is only black and white extremes.
- Avoidance: Not talking about things will make them go away.
- Escalation: Accountability is shut down through conflict or redirection.
These beliefs not only inform their subsequent theology, but they are the very opposite of righteousness, as it says in Romans 12:9-10 (AMP) “Love is (supposed) to be sincere and active, the real thing—without guile and hypocrisy … Be devoted to one another with authentic love as members of one family … .”
Is God controlling, screaming at you when you violate His rules? Is shame for your existence or your needs a fruit of the Spirit? Does Jesus avoid the truth through redirection and avoidance? Does the Father demean you every time you make a mistake and withhold His love from you until you do everything right? It’s obvious, isn’t it?! All these traits are the character of Lucifer. Not of God.
The Truth
Thankfully, God is nothing like humans. His way of doing family is often the exact opposite of what we see in His own people. And He has his own “10-commandments,”
as it were, for Functional Family:
- Trusting (Psalms 37:23-24; Proverbs 24:16)
It’s normal to make mistakes, it’s how we learn, forgive, move on. Let God be God. - Approval (Jer 32:3; Jer 1:5; Jer 29:11)
Your identity is given by God. Find a solid mentor. God created you specifically.
- Boundaries (Gal 6:5; Prov 25:17; Matt 5:37)
True authority is protective; it knows its limitations, God is jealous for your good.
- Honesty (Prov 12:22; Prov 11:1; Ex 20:16)
We are all on a journey; we are all struggling; we are grateful for God’s mercy. - Vulnerable (James 5:16; Psalm 22:1-2)
Be real. Learn from one another and grow together. God loves an honest heart.
- Engaged (Gal 6:2; 1 Pet 3:8; 1 John 3:17)
Difficult emotions take maturity and time to master, I’m here for you; God is here for you.
- Respect (Ecc 4:12; 1 Thess 5:14; Tit 2:3-5)
Take care of yourself and others; know how much is enough. God knows and sees your needs.
- Communicative (Col 3:9; Prov 25:11; Prov 12:18)
Talk about the issues; let go when they’re resolved. God has a thousand ways.
- Accountable (Gal 6:1-5; Prov 27:17; Luke 17:3)
Facing things is hard, but facing things is what brings healing. God loves to heal. - Humble (Prov 22:4; Col 3:12; Eph:4:2; James 4:6)
We listen to what the other person is telling us and process it openly. God loves the humble.
As it says in 1 Kings 19:12 (AMP) “After the earthquake, there was a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire, there was the sound of a gentle voice.” Unlike the chaotic mess we call humanity, God is gentle, stable, and kind.
The Hope
Call me naïve all you want. But I believe that we are able to repent of our wackadoodle beliefs. We can learn how to love. Through the Holy Spirit, we are capable of becoming islands of warmth and loving support for those drowning in the vast oceans of sin.
Because in God’s family, there is no need for eggshells. Instead, we can talk openly, apologize for our mistakes, forgive, and move on. People that truly follow Jesus don’t try to control one another; rather, they mentor others and celebrate their gifts. God only uses power to protect and discipline, never to abuse.
As God’s children, there is no need for games and politics. We do not operate based upon secrets, because our relationships are founded upon honesty and merciful limitation. In the book Ministry of Healing we read, “The strongest argument in favor of the gospel is a loving and lovable Christian.” (p. 470) Truth is, even the blind can see when a church is really following Jesus, because their very atmosphere is dripping with grace.
Shayne Mason Vincent, MSW, is pastor of the Daytona Beach Adventist Church. www.YouTube.com / @PastorShayne Email him at: [email protected]