By Samantha Nelson
I invite you to try an experiment with me and see what type of results you get. Ask your church board members during the next meeting if they think their church is a safe place for all. My guess is most will say “yes.” They do believe their church is a safe place.
Now, ask individuals within your church at different times if they feel comfortable bringing a friend or former member to church or inviting someone new to attend. My guess is they will say they are uncomfortable inviting others to attend because they don’t feel the church is a safe place to bring them.
How can this be? Why wouldn’t the church be a safe place? Well, there are many situations that lead people to feel unsafe in a church. Sometimes it is the opinionated person in Sabbath School who does all the talking and intimidates others by doing so. Sometimes it is the person who has no sense of social or personal boundaries who makes others feel uncomfortable in their presence. Sometimes it is the gossip that is known around town as such and when people see her (or him) in church, they worry what gossip will be spread about them. Sometimes it is the “food police” who have to make sure everyone is eating and drinking what they are supposed to be eating and drinking and, if they aren’t, they will certainly tell them about it. Sometimes it is the person with a critical spirit who never has anything nice to say. Sometimes it is the person who simply has to be in control of everything and manipulates others in order to get their way. If they don’t get their way, then watch out— there will be a price to pay!
These and so many other scenarios are played out in our congregations Sabbath after Sabbath and they make people feel uncomfortable and unsafe. However, there is another very real reason people feel unsafe in a congregation. They feel unsafe when someone is abusive in some way, especially sexually. They feel unsafe when they see how little accountability and consequences there are for an offender. And they feel unsafe when they see how little support (as is most often the case) the injured party receives.
Do you know one of the best things about church? It’s the opportunity to come together in fellowship with like- minded believers who extend grace, forgiveness, love, trust, and respect to others.
Do you know one of the worst things about church? Coming together in fellowship with like-minded believers who extend grace, forgiveness, love, trust, and respect to those who have caused great harm to another—through sexual harassment and/or abuse.
Why would I say such a thing? Simply this—too often a predator in our congregational midst—whether in a paid position, such as a pastor or a lay person in a position of spiritual authority, such as an elder, teacher, deacon, youth group leader, etc., who commits the crime (yes, I said crime!) of sexually abusing someone under their care is the one who receives the sympathy, forgiveness, love, respect, trust, and grace in the aftermath of disclosure. Just take a look at the following quote to see what I mean:
“It’s not unusual for ‘hard-core’ child molesters—with more sexual-offense convictions, more victims and younger victims—to be well-respected members of Christian congregations, and to be actively involved as church leaders, warns Victor Vieth, executive director emeritus of the Gundersen National Child Protection Training Center in Winona, Minn.
“In one study, 93 percent of convicted sex offenders described themselves as ‘religious.’ Perhaps surprisingly, many sexual predators consider churches as ‘safe havens,’ Vieth said, with trusting, forgiving adults and easy access to children.
“Religious people can be ‘easier to fool’ than most people, say researchers, and, even when an accusation of child sexual abuse is made, will often stand with the offender, vouching for his good character and even showing up in courtrooms for support.”
What happens to the victim (or oftentimes multiple victims)? The victims are often shunned, blamed, ostracized, and occasionally banned from the congregation. Where is the grace, love, forgiveness, respect, and trust for the victim? It is generally nonexistent. That, my friends, is a very sad statement; yet it is true. And it makes people feel unsafe in church.
As a church member, and even as a pastor’s wife, there are churches where I would not feel safe enough to invite someone to attend with me. Friends, if our churches can’t be safe places for the weary, the wounded, the vulnerable, the ones who need healing, the ostracized and marginalized, then why do we have churches? It’s not the ministry of Jesus to cast out the very ones who need His love and grace the most—the ones who need His healing, tender touch in their lives. How are they to receive that love if we—the church— don’t show it to them through our kindness and compassionate actions?
We must do better at this—it is required of us if we are to be like Jesus! Ps. 147:3 declares, “He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.” Yet, so often the response from otherwise well-meaning church members is to pour salt in the fresh wounds of abuse by blaming and shaming the victim. This has to stop!
Friends, forgiveness is vital. Grace is necessary. But don’t forget what God has said in Mic. 6:8: “He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?”
Justice . . . that is where we so often fail and that is what makes our churches so unsafe. We often get caught in the forgiveness stage because we want to be loving, forgiving, grace-filled Christians. But we too often forget that forgive- ness does not erase consequences. Forgiveness does not always mean reconciled relationships and one big, happy family. Forgiveness does not overrule justice. When will we reach the point where we actually hold offenders account- able, in love, for their own salvation’s sake? We don’t want to love someone into hell, so to speak, by not allowing them to face the consequences of their actions, even if those consequences may include arrest, imprisonment, and registering as a sex offender. Justice and mercy must go together.
One without the other is not a whole or complete picture of Christ’s love.
Let’s start now to make our churches safer places for all. Let’s stop the gossip, the fault finding, the controlling actions, the boundary pushing, and all that is unlike our Lord.
Let’s stop the sexual predators in our midst—no matter who they are or what positions they may hold.
Let’s forgive and love the offender as they bear the consequences of their actions for the sake of their ultimate salvation.
Let’s love the victim and stop blaming him or her for the downfall of the “admired, loved, well-respected leader.” The downfall is a result of the offender’s actions; it is not a result of a victim telling about the actions of the offender toward them.
Rather than provide a “how-to” list for this article, which you can find in the additional resources below, I chose to appeal to your heart. It’s time for a major shift in our congregations. If we truly believe our Lord is coming soon, then we need to start acting like Him now and show- ing others His great love for them. That love means doing no harm. That love means standing up for victims. That love means holding people accountable for sinful and criminal actions.
Do you really want your church to be a safe place? Then pray for God to fill your heart with His love, His mercy, His forgiveness, and His justice.
–Samantha Nelson is a pastor’s wife and the CEO of The Hope of Survivors, a nonprofit organization dedicated to assisting victims of clergy sexual abuse and providing educational seminars to clergy of all faiths. Email her at: [email protected].