By Carol Bolden
What’s it like to be a pastor’s spouse? A recent article, titled, “Pastor, Remember Your Wife is the Most Vulnerable Person in Your Church,” talked about the key figure in the life of many pastors and how she (in this case, but obviously sometimes he) might feel about his or her treatment in this role.
To find out more about how our pastors’ spouses feel, we interviewed several to see how they relate to that role. Two are wives, and to add a little spice, we also interviewed the husband of a pastor. His answers might surprise you. Meet the three pastoral spouses: Michelle Morrison, wife of Wayne of Brighton; Jed Dart, husband of Lee Lee of The Adventure; and Becky De Oliveira, wife of Japhet of Boulder. Here are their answers to seven questions:
How influential are you as the spouse of a pastor?
Michelle Morrison: When my husband first became a pastor, it was as a volunteer and I truly didn’t think I’d be seen as a pastor’s wife because we weren’t really “real.” When I said that to a friend, he responded, “Oh, they will see you as a pastor’s wife alright! Don’t kid yourself!” I went home sensing a huge weight of responsibility on my shoulders, knelt down and prayed that God would carry it. It lifted, never to return.
Jed Dart: As [influential] as the Holy Spirit persuades. Lee Lee and I are very close spiritually and are focused on introducing people to a saving relationship with Jesus. She mostly feels God calling her to speak on certain topics at church, but will always read her sermon to me. We will pray beforehand and God will give me ideas, Bible verses, stories, or general input that help with the message.
Becky De Oliveira: I’m quite influential as an advisor to my husband; otherwise, not very.
What are the joys and self-fulfillment of being a pastor’s spouse?
Michelle: [I love] having a platform to be deeply involved in the personal and spiritual lives of those we serve. I love being a part of making a difference! When my pastor/father- in-law passed away, besides his death and the deep loss my mother-in-law felt, [she also felt] the loss of her role beside him as a pastor’s wife. The churches they had been serving were still there, but she was no longer involved. She was replaced, yet she didn’t die. It was a very huge loss and created a void and question regarding her worth and purpose. It would [affect me that way] too.
Jed: The true joy for me is ministering together! We look at ministry not so much as his or hers but as a team. We are one as a couple and one as disciples of Christ. Another joy is when I see the Holy Spirit working in Lee Lee’s ministry whether it’s a powerful sermon that I know wasn’t her, or when she teaches a class and her passion for Jesus and the subject are evident (that’s pretty much every class she teaches) or when we are counseling a couple and she is bold and direct for the purpose of unity in the relationship. Another joy is praying together—praying for humility and obedience in our lives, praying for our church friends who are struggling, praying for the Holy Spirit to bring revival in northern Colorado, not just at the Adventure but all Adventist churches.
Becky: I don’t tend to think of myself as a “pastor’s wife” so I don’t interpret my experiences primarily through that lens. I enjoy meeting new people, so that’s fun.
What are the anxieties and frustrations of being a pastor’s spouse?
Michelle: Fielding expectations, perceived or real [can be a frustration]. Having a settled conviction about what it is you believe and why, living authentically in those beliefs and being secure in Jesus’ love protects from the judgment that I’m sure is out there. Perhaps the greatest protection from that is a husband who protects me and the kids from the judgment of others and the rumor mill and gives us the freedom to make our own decisions regarding things people may judge us for, e.g. being at a meeting or not; what we wear and when, etc.
Jed: The thing that is most frustrating for me is when I believe Satan’s lies. “You’re making no difference,” “People don’t want Jesus,” etc.
Becky: I sometimes feel frustrated that people do not under- stand some of the issues that pastoral families can face—the expectation, for instance, that you will send your children to a particular school even if it does damage to them. I don’t like hearing my husband criticized in brutal ways. It hurts when my friendships (occasionally) turn out to be contingent on how people feel about Japhet or whether he makes a decision they approve of or that works in their favor. But most church members are pretty wonderful. I’m continually amazed at how wonderful they are.
Do you feel sidelined?
Michelle: Yes, that feeling comes and goes—especially when I’m not even an ordained elder. My husband will often remind me that even though I’m not paid or ordained as an elder, his ordination extends to me because God didn’t just call him; He called us both as a couple. When I believe that, it helps. When my own worth is threatened for some reason, [it’s more difficult].
Jed: Not at all. I feel sometimes overwhelmed because I take on too much.
Becky: I like being married to Japhet and being the mother of my children. I also enjoy the work I do and the hobbies I pursue. The “role” as some see it, of “first lady” is not one that I think about very much. I suppose I find it mostly embarrassing when people make a big deal out of me in that way. I like it better when I get to define myself. But I do really enjoy people, so I guess the friends I’ve made over the years—all over the world—have been the rewarding part of the “role.” Many people might be less inclined to get to know me if I weren’t married to the pastor.” So no, I don’t feel sidelined. I get plenty of attention.
What expectations do your husband and your church have of you?
Michelle: I love being a pastor’s wife. I think it is what you make it. Working through your personal boundaries and how that looks in respect to the “calling,” differentiating between God’s work and people’s demands can be tough, and having sought out counselors regarding those issues helped us previously when we were in business, so the crossover to ministry wasn’t that different.
Jed: Lee Lee’s expectations are to use my spiritual gifts to give God glory and for people’s benefit. Lee Lee will ask me, “Do you want to be in charge of all baby dedications?” Me: “Yes” (I love kids). Lee Lee: “Do you want to do Bible studies with the pre-teen kids who are interested?” Me: “Yes.”
Becky: I’ve been pretty lucky over the last 22 years. I’ve always felt that church members pretty much let me be me. I think most of them have liked me reasonably well. I haven’t felt pressured most of the time to be any particular way. Institutionally, I think there are strange expectations, but I haven’t experienced these very much at the local level.
Can you have your own professional life alongside the demands of being a pastor’s spouse?
Michelle: I suppose you can, but my role as a pastor’s wife is more primary to me from a spiritual perspective than that of my “job.” I always have worked part-time in my professional life, so I would have the time to devote to church work and the demands of family life. At least I did until my nest emptied and I actually had more time to do both concurrently.
Jed: I do. I am in sales and travel a territory for work. This can be frustrating because I miss our small group or prayer meetings, etc. But God has helped me have the energy I need so that on weekends and when I’m home, I can be fully engaged at church and ministry.
Becky: Is it even an option not to have such a life? It seems to be mandatory, for financial reasons if not personal ones. When Japhet was first employed, the conference he worked for told him that pastors’ wages were set with the “expectation” that the spouse would have a “high-paying professional job.” If anything, I’ve probably shot a little low. I’m not the cardiovascular surgeon that I was supposed to be, I guess. I have had to make a professional life in a variety of situations, sometimes out of thin air. I’ve done better at some times than at others. Our years at Andrews University were particularly rewarding for me professionally. I was on the faculty and went back to grad school for a while. I hope to have at least a few more rewarding professional spurts before I’m done. Perhaps that high-paying professional job is right around the corner . .
How do all these demands impinge on your relation- ship with your spouse? Do they create tensions and how do you resolve those tensions?
Michelle: There’s always a pull from the church. I’ve just learned that I need to pull back and present my or our family needs to my husband/pastor without resentment. [Then] we have conversations, sometimes more heated, sometimes just a plea. I believe my husband really loves all of us as a family, that he is well-meaning and well- intentioned and if he’s hurt us by a choice he’s made in favor of a church function or church member, he didn’t mean to. Coming at potential or real tensions from this perspective helps soften the conflict.
Jed: The demands can definitely impinge on our relation- ship but we continue to work through and towards strengthening our relationship with Jesus first and each other second. We are vigilant in blocking out time from work to invest in each other. We believe our strength to minister and disciple others depends on our surrendering to Jesus Christ and our marriage being strong and united.
Becky: I think the worst thing about ministry is the visibility of it. How many jobs are there in which your partner observes you so closely doing your job? Unfortunately for me, I’m all too aware of what people at “work” think about him and that can be very, very painful. I sometimes struggle with anger about decisions we’ve made that, in my more dramatic moments, I will claim have “ruined our lives.” And, yes, it creates tension. I’m not sure how to resolve it. Perhaps I will have a deathbed epiphany and someone will be nearby to scribble the answer down. The answer is probably “43.”
Our pastors and their wives are dedicated, caring people who pour their lives into their members. They find fulfillment in their role as pastor’s spouse. But being a husband/wife or father/mother is challenging under any circumstances. Juggling these roles along with being in the spotlight adds another dimension of stress.
It appears that our pastors’ spouses have done their homework when it comes to resolving the challenges and stress of their roles. Lori McDaniel, a pastor’s wife in Arkansas, says, “When it feels like everyone’s opinions add up to overly critical expressions that define my very existence and identity, I must let it all bounce off.” Yet, she continues, there are times when we must be a sponge and soak things up.
Let’s make all year a time to celebrate and appreciate our pastors’ spouses.
–Carol Bolden provides administrative and editorial support for the RMC communication department. Email her at:[email protected]