By David Sedlacek
Parents, teachers, youth leaders, chaplains, pastors, and others in positions of leadership often must hear the painful accounts of those to whom they minister. Isaiah 63:9 tells us that in all of our suffering, God also suffers. We are never absent from His tender, compassionate care. God feels what we feel and suffers our pain with us.
As His representatives here on earth, we too are called upon to empathize, that is feel, with the children, youth, adults, and older persons in our families, churches, and communities. If your heart is open to them, their pain will affect you. I was recently asked by students in the seminary where I teach how I process the pain from the stories I hear when counseling students and others with whom I work. Here are some things that I have learned.
First, I must have a vibrant personal relationship with God. It begins in the morning with my personal time talking with and listening to God. This connection continues throughout the day no matter what I am doing, whether it is teaching, counseling, preaching, or even doing very mundane things such as washing dishes, driving to work, or doing the laundry.
Before I begin a therapeutic task such as reading a student story or listening to a client, I intentionally pray, asking for God’s presence and guidance to see what He sees and hear what He hears and to be guided by the Holy Spirit in my feelings and responses. What this does is keeps me connected with God always.
Second, I recognize that I am not the healer, but God is. This allows me to not carry the burdens of others myself. My job is to facilitate a connection between the person I am ministering to and God. It is easy to say those words, but many of us struggle to fully understand how to be such a conduit of healing.
Some of us have taken on the role in our families and professions of “fixers” or “healers.” We have chosen professions such as nursing, medicine, social work, psychology or teaching, sometimes to work out our own pain as well as to minister to others. If we consciously or unconsciously see ourselves in one of these roles, then we will tend to carry the burdens of others in an unhealthy, codependent way. We may even work harder at their recovery than they do.
If we carry these burdens alone, they will certainly crush us. The Bible tells us, “Cast your burdens upon the Lord and He will sustain you” (Psalm 55:22). When we say, “Lord, this is too much for me. Here, I give the pain and hurt of this person to you,” then the Lord lifts the burden and carries it with us. Even though we continue to love and care for the person, we know that this person is in God’s arms of care. There are several methods of inner healing prayer that specifically connect the person with God that are beyond the scope of this article.
Third, it is important to engage in daily self-care. In addition to a vibrant, personal prayer life, physical, emotional, and relational health are essential to caregiver survival. A healthy diet, sufficient rest, and daily exercise help us to be at our best when working with others. Ellen White reminds us that there is an intimate connection between the body and the mind.
Knowing yourself and how you process stress is essential to healthy caregiving. Taking a walk, spending time in nature, talking with God, working out in the gym all have their place. Unhealthy eating to medicate the pain we carry from others or taking the pain out on others are unhealthy coping mechanisms that some people fall into.
Fourth, being in touch with our own feelings and processing the pain of our own past is also a part of self-care. If a person has not processed their own pain, they will be likely to project their own issues onto the person they are working with. However, if they have dealt with their own
issues, they will use their healing journey as a way of identifying with the person and being a source of comfort to them. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says, “God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.” Many of us have been told that it is not OK for us to have feelings. Poor emotional health (not being in touch with one’s feelings or being emotionally reactive) makes it difficult to empathize in a healthy way. We will relate primarily from a cognitive position rather than an integrated position of both mind and heart.
Being healthy socially means that a helper has good communication and conflict resolution skills and that they can listen well. However, it also means that they know when to ask for help themselves. In addition to the Lord, it is good to have a small group of people with whom you can process the difficult things that you have heard from others. I personally have a small accountability group that I have come to trust. I also attend a Journey to Wholeness 12-step group that meets at our church weekly. These groups provide an avenue for me to share and debrief my feelings at times.
Finally, when expressing their feelings, ministry leaders would do well to express them as specifically as possible. For example, rather than saying, “I feel bad,” a more specific feeling would be preferable, such as, “I feel inadequate.” Understand your limitations.
Don’t blame others, shame yourself, control others, or withdraw. Recognize these tendencies in yourself. Be aware of emotional flooding when too much has come at you too quickly. This often leads to emotional shutdown. Learn to step back and observe yourself during your interactions. Ask yourself why you are responding the way you are. Is your response well thought out or more emotionally reactive?
Being a well-differentiated, emotionally and spiritually mature helper makes one a much more effective tool in the hands of God.
–David Sedlacek, PhD, LMSW, CFLE, is professor of family ministry and discipleship and director of the MA in youth and young adult ministry program at the Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary at Andrews University in Berrien Springs, Michigan. Email him at: [email protected]