By Shayne Mason Vincent

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful” (Proverbs 27:6, NKJV).

For years, I avoided facing issues head on out of a naïve desire to help. I was always the “peacemaker.” If something blew up among friends or family, I was the first to throw water on the fire. I would work my magic to assuage the mighty beast of conflict through humor, redirection, placating, or serving. I considered myself able to get along with anyone; that is, until I met Anthony.

Anthony had this nasty habit of intentionally dealing with issues as soon as they happened. Basically, he was my polar opposite. He could be abrupt, antagonistic, and outright offensive at times. Yet, on the other hand, he was able to move on just as quickly as the conflict began; while I, the conciliatory one, sat seething in humble martyrdom. When I first met him, I considered him rude and obstinate, but slowly, I came to see that he was actually just good at communicating and setting boundaries.

Truth be told, was I really a “peacemaker” or was I just adept at sweeping things under the rug? As much as I might like to consider immediately forgiving people as meekness, in reality it is often just avoidance and enabling. I mean, really, is stuffing issues into the closet even biblical? Imagine if, when the Pharisees came to Jesus, He became timid and mousy, caving into pressure to keep the peace: “They said to Him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses in the law commanded us, that she should be stoned: but what do you say? They said this only so they could trap Him. So Jesus sheepishly looks down at the ground, and with His finger, anxiously scribbled, hoping to avoid the issue. But when they continue asking Him, He reluctantly lifted Himself up, and said, ‘Gee guys, whatever you think’” (John 8:1-11).

Unfortunately, we often confuse turning the other cheek with passivity. When God asks us to love our enemies, He isn’t referring to a whimpering fear of rejection. His Son didn’t go to the cross playing victim; Jesus chose that path, because He clearly understood His identity. God is not an enabler. He has always taught through consequence just as often as by grace. Therefore, communicating, and setting boundaries is an act of love just as much as forgiveness is.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating that we go around and intentionally create conflict. That’s more about being needy or controlling. But what I am saying is that Christlike relationships require authenticity. It’s normal to have feelings, to have needs, to make mistakes. That is how we learn—it’s OK. God created it that way. Learning to love like Christ loves is a journey, not a destination. As the Apostle Paul says, “Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other” (Romans 12:9-10, NLT).

Avoiding conflict:

Can create sterility of soul
Often prevents healing
Can develop resentments
Can create mind games
Destroys fellowship
Can develop mental health issues
Can lead to sabotaging genuine love
Creates additional conflicts

Facing conflict allows us to:

Stop abuse and enabling
Increase love and respect
Develop identity
Create authentic ministry
Minimize assumptions
Bring closure
Heal relationships

Healthy conflict looks like:

Authentically communicating
Not making decisions based upon assumptions
A willingness to risk vulnerability
Using appropriate timing, and biblical methods
Consistency in following through with boundaries and consequences
Forgiving after the issues have been addressed
Knowing that things can’t always be fixed
Accepting that agreement isn’t a requirement
Healing without regard of the other party
Letting go, moving on, and creating something new

Truth is, if there were no conflict, if we never dealt with difficult issues, there would be no cross, there would be no martyrs, no church, no redemption, no backbone of conviction. After all, who likes a limp handshake? And as Anthony taught me, “stirring the pot,” as it were, i.e. not running away from difficult issues, can actually bring healing. Therefore, the bright side of healthy conflict bears all the hallmarks of the fruit of the Spirit, in genuine-peacemaking and the healing grace of mercy.

As the Apostle Peter writes, “Now that you have taken care to purify your souls through your submission to the truth, you can experience real love for each other. So love each other deeply from a [pure] heart” (1 Peter 1:22 TVB).

–Shayne Mason Vincent, MSW, is lead pastor of the Casper Wyoming District. Email him at: [email protected]