By Shayne Mason Vincent … Chuck Swindoll tells the story of Ted and Bessie, great-grandparents who were celebrating their 50th anniversary. Over the years, Ted had lost much of his hearing, yet they still got along well and were proud to celebrate their golden wedding anniversary. Their entire family came over and enjoyed a full day of celebration. Finally, towards sundown, all the kids went home, and Betsy and Ted decided to close out the beautiful day on the front porch swing watching the sunset. The old gentleman leaned back, loosened his tie and pulled his wife near. Betsie looked at him in wonder and said, “You know, I’m really proud of you.” Ted looked at her quizzically and quipped, “Well fine then, I’m tired of you too!”
Ahh, to grow old together. To ride the wild rollercoasters of family, kids, bills, and personal growth. I knew a couple married for 74 years when I worked in hospice. We all wept when they passed within hours of one another. Such devotion and love are inspiring to behold. We can devote ourselves to many things in this world such as our ideals, or the needs of others, or even to objects. For example, you see brand loyalty between Chevy or Ford, between Michael Kors or Gucci. There is also loyalty to the principles of one’s country. Or devotion to your faith or a cause. But to be loyal in marriage is to be faithful to only one person for decade upon decade, for as long as you both shall live.
The Merriam-Webster’s Thesaurus gives many insightful synonyms for loyalty such as, “allegiance, commitment, dedication, devotedness, faithfulness.” And antonyms like, “disloyalty, falsehood, treachery, unfaithfulness, infidelity.” To use gardening as a metaphor, flowers take work and weeds grow naturally. To be committed to your marriage means you have to water it, feed it nutrients, give it sunlight, and pull weeds out by the roots before they choke the marriage. If we are to be loyal to our marriage, we must protect it from falsehood and infidelity in all its forms. We must commit ourselves to nurturing our love for one another.
So, let’s take a look at five principles on how to nurture a healthy vibrant marriage:
Prioritize: Take time for one another. Go for hikes, travel, or even go shopping, God forbid (he can survive by going to Best Buy while you are at the mall). Don’t self-sabotage the marriage through the extremes of workaholism or irresponsibility. Instead, prioritize one another’s goals and dreams. Work together in the give and take of meeting each other’s needs. (Colossians 3:14: And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.)
Respect: Honor your spouse with a sense of personal dignity and individuality. Don’t abuse your spouse’s generous heart through your tongue or your fist. Appreciate them for what they do well and encourage them, both privately and publicly. Allow them both strengths and weaknesses, loving them for who they really are. Respect is something you must earn. (Matthew 7:12: So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.)
Boundaries: Maintain your own individualities and don’t get swallowed up in one another. Be firm with your own needs, while also being liberal with the needs of your spouse. Never go out into public or private places with the opposite sex without a third party. And while you should share fiscal responsibility and your bank account as one, don’t make excuses about bills, or careers, or your kids as a way to avoid individual needs. (John 21:21-22: When Peter saw John, he asked, “Lord, what about him?” Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.”)
Communication: Marriage requires honesty. Secrets should never be tolerated. Therefore, make your marriage a place where trust can thrive. Confess your faults to one an- other; forgive one another. Listen when the other person needs to be heard, but make sure your own needs are heard as well. Don’t hide behind the needs of the other person in codependent humility. Have a backbone. But do its graciously. (Ephesians 4:2-3: Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace)
Integrity: Character is the basis of dignity and it is how we earn trust and respect. Yes, we all have flaws, but integrity admits them. Integrity seeks to grow, to honor, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. It doesn’t hide, it doesn’t blame, nor does it avoid, but rather it grows and grows in the piercing light of God’s authentic, Spirit-filled love. (Proverbs 11:3: The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.)
When I was younger, I once knew an African king by the name of Opinin Giami. I asked him whether or not I should marry, and he replied incredulously, “Of course! It is a gift from God to help us grow up!” After nearly 17 years with my beautiful and affirming wife, having gone through our own rollercoaster of growing up, I often jokingly say that marriage is 50 percent love and 50 percent torture. But seriously though, aside from the personal character growth, marriage is the joy of a best friend, a lover, a confidant and counselor, a snuggle buddy while you sleep, and truly is a gift from God.
So be faithful and devoted to one another. In your needs. In their needs. With the children. With God. And with your society. Prioritize one another, respect one another, talk to each other, share your toys if you will, and do it with true love. If you do, you will ride a long and happy rollercoaster and someday, the two of you will be watching a sunset together just like Ted and Bessie, and will say, “Well fine, I’m tired of you too!”
–Shayne Mason Vincent is lead pastor of the Casper, Wyoming, district. Email him at: [email protected]