By Carol Bolden

Whenever friends discover the age at which I gave birth to my daughters, they often remark, “You must have been a lot more mature than most moms.” While I wish that were the case, I think it’s the give and take of parenthood, the day after day meeting of responsibility, the facing of challenges that mature us. I don’t think I was much more mature as a parent even at the ages of 36 and 39 than most parents who met that challenge much earlier. It was my amazing daughters who taught me so many things I might not have learned without them. Obviously, I made mistakes.

One thing I learned, though, is that it’s OK to make mistakes. While I always knew I wasn’t perfect, I thought I needed to look like I was. That was a big mistake in itself and a great burden to carry. It took some bumps and knocks in life to get me to see that being real and vulnerable puts me in a place where I can learn from my mistakes. Being open about my weaknesses was a much healthier way of being to pass on to my daughters. It’s OK to make mistakes. Here are a few more things I picked up along the way:

Every day is a new day. And every day offers another chance to start over. It’s a wonderful thing that God gives us new mercies every morning and that I can start over new every day. This amazing gift He gives us is one we can give to our children. I tried to remember that when our girls fought or disobeyed. The cloud of negativity or disobedience didn’t have to hang over them. They, too, could begin anew every morning.

Don’t worry about a messy house. My brother recently visited us from California and remarked that I had OCD as he watched me scurrying to put dishes in the dish- washer and wipe down the kitchen counters. It made me think back to the days when our girls were still at home. I spent way too much time worrying about whether or not our house was clean and not enough time letting them know that they were more important than a clean house. I wish I could go back in time and relax a little. Chérie and Krista, just so you know, you are infinitely more important than a clean house!

Enjoy the moment. I learned early on that the coos, the smiles, the sweet baby prattle give way to real spoken words and then a whole new level of communication. Every new stage left me mourning the loss of what was, yet rejoicing in the newest abilities and learning. I had to learn to enjoy the moment, focusing on the here and now rather than mourning the loss of what was or looking forward to what would be. Even when we passed through some difficult teenage years, I could feel good about how far the girls had come and rejoice in the relationship we had. Remember to enjoy the moment.

Don’t give up on being yourself. My daughters have very different personalities. One was outgoing, the other quiet. One was neat, one messy (and very creative, I might add). One was helpful, the other resisted getting involved. These two very different girls had a very “unique” mother (and father). “Mom, you’re weird,” they used to say. I’m grateful that God provides such a variety of people. How mundane it would be if we were all alike. It’s a tribute to my daughters that they insisted on being who they were and are. Don’t ever give up on being yourself.

Take time to listen. Our youngest daughter came home from school one day with a tale of mistreatment by another student. We talked about how she felt and how she could respond and she decided to take the high road. The next day when she came home, she had made a new friend. How differently this incident could have turned out if I had not taken the time to listen.

Say “yes” whenever you can. One of my many failures was allowing myself to become too busy. I remember a particular incident when our youngest was in elementary school. She wanted me to go on a field trip with her class. In fact, she begged me to go. But I resisted, knowing that when I returned to my job, the stress would have doubled. This daughter doesn’t even remember the incident, but I do and I repent all over again each time I think of it. I so wish I could have the memory of going on that field trip with her. It’s important to spend time doing what your children enjoy together. Say “yes” whenever you can.

Laugh every day. We had a lot of fun with blonde jokes at our house with two of us being blonde, but when the jokes became barbed we had to put a stop to them. Healthy fun, though, healthy laughter is like glue, binding hearts together. We can laugh at the funny things that happen in life and we can laugh at our responses to them. Injecting a bit of laughter can make serious things more palatable. Remember to laugh every day.

Say it out loud to make it real. When my oldest daughter was in her late teens, she began greeting me with, “Hello, gorgeous!” I was blown away. I didn’t feel gorgeous and her greeting made me slightly uncomfortable. Eventually, though, I accepted the love that came with the greeting and even began to feel a little bit pretty. She taught me that expressing something out loud can actually bring it to reality. I see so many applications where this can be used with children and youth today to create a better reality. Thank you, Chérie!

Say “I love you” every day. This is an instance where saying it out loud can make it real. We all need to feel loved and young people are like plants that need tending—watering, loving, and weeding, with an emphasis on “loving.” The more love we can deposit into their banks, the more easily we can do the necessary weeding. Say “I love you” every day.

Talk about spiritual things. Our girls had a children’s Bible written in poetry form that we often read when they were small. As they grew, we tended toward Guide and Insight. Bedtime was a great time to talk about faith and to pray. When we moved to Denver from Southern California, we were pleasantly surprised to find that we could listen to K-LOVE while driving, a treat the mountains denied us in California. That special, golden time when the girls were still under our roof is gone, a reminder to today’s parents to make the most of the time you have and continue to talk about spiritual things.

One thing I never knew until the parenting journey was well under way is that the journey never ends. Even when they’re grown, there will be nights of worry, a sweet agony made up of love and fear. So the learning continues. Even more effectively than the Apostle Paul’s admonition, my children have taught me to “pray without ceasing.

–Carol Bolden provides editorial support for the RMC communication department. Email her at: [email protected]